The 2012 Season Begins!


Milwaukee! It’s January 2012! The Roller Derby offseason has come and gone like a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the Brewcity Bruisers are once again stirring within the friendly confines of the US Cellular Arena. This year, the public at large may not notice it, but there’s a sense of urgency, of devil-may-care, as the 2012 home season commences, and that’s because the league is well aware that the Earth is 11 mere months away from being wiped out in a massive Mayan Apocalypse

Milwaukee! It’s January 2012! The Roller Derby offseason has come and gone like a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and the Brewcity Bruisers are once again stirring within the friendly confines of the US Cellular Arena. This year, the public at large may not notice it, but there’s a sense of urgency, of devil-may-care, as the 2012 home season commences, and that’s because the league is well aware that the Earth is 11 mere months away from being wiped out in a massive Mayan Apocalypse. So with the understanding that we’re heading into the last BCB home season in recorded history (unless, for some reason, the cryptic writings and artifacts of a long-dead civilization have been misinterpreted, but that’s never happened before), it’s time to throw all caution to the wind! To say, “the hell with it!” To go for broke and pull out all stops to make Season 6 (the season where real life becomes the Big Bad Enemy, as any fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will recognize) the biggest, baddest, most baller season EVAR. That’s right…it’s time…to bring BOB NOXIOUS into the BCB fold! You can’t have the Biggest Season Evar(tm) without one of the longest-tenured, experienced derby announcers in the world. Now that we have Bob, stuff has gotten REAL, as was demonstrated on January 15 when Season 6 kicked off in grand fashion, with a matinee bout bumped up to noon to accommodate a very depressing sporting event which will go unreferenced for the remainder of this recap.


Also, there were two bouts, and you probably want to know about them, so.


Bout 1: Maiden Milwaukee 82, Shevil Knevils 63  


(Photos by Moosie)

The pink and black Maidens had what could charitably be referred to as a disastrous 2011, hitting rock bottom with an 0-5 record. The Shevils, meanwhile, came one point away from a second straight trip to the finals, but were bumped by the Rollettes in last year’s semis and left to console themselves by capping off a 3-2 season with a defeat of those winless Maidens. This year, however, the Maidens were determined to get off the schnide by injecting new life into their roster with new blockers Pinky *the* Glitterator, ChaZaam, new jammer Kimberrr, and returning double-thread Rascal, who took 2011 off to wander the country (Maiden Milwaukee: 0-5 after Rascal left; 1-0 with her back. I don’t know if that means anything, but stats is stats). Things got off to a defensive start as the Romaniac (back on the jammer line after a year of nagging injuries that saw her role limited to bench coaching and blocking) took the first lead jammer status in the opening jam, but immediately called it off without scoring as she fell behind the Shevils’ Candy Acid. Having the finger of power pointed at you as lead jammer is a defensive benefit—you have the power in part to control how many points your opponent scores, and seeing that Candy Acid was likely to score before she did, Romo simply called it off. From there, the bout saw a rapid succession of “hit it and quit it” jams with a single scoring pass, mostly won by the pink and black. After the first eight jams, the Maidens had cobbled together an early 10-point lead, but it nearly vaporized in jam 9, where a no lead jammer scenario unfolded for the first time in the bout (both Madd Mallett for the Maidens and the Shevils’ Moby Nipps committed track cutting minors during their initial pass). Moby Nipps showed that she had more experience donning the star than her Maiden counterpart, scoring cleanly with three 4-point passes while Mallett struggled through the pack, scoring a full four points only once and getting lapped by Nipps in her final pass. Suddenly it was 26-24 Maidens and seemingly anyone’s bout. But penalties finally showed their ugly, ruckus-rearing faces in jam 11, as the Shevils lost blockers Thunder Bunnie and Puss N’ Boots to major one-minute penalties. Most damaging, though, was a trip to the thinking chair for Shevil jammer Candy Acid, leading to a costly POWER JAM(powerjam) during which Rejected Seoul outscored her seated counterpart 10-0 courtesy a pair of grand slam passes. While Bloody Cupcake, Candy Acid and Andicent Proposal managed to shut out the Maidens in the next three jams, they didn’t score enough to significantly close the gap, and they went to halftime trailing the “working class, kickin’ ass” Maidens 44-31.


(Photos by Moosie)

Both teams played a relatively clean, evenly matched first few minutes of the second half, but while the Shevils kept it competitive, they just couldn’t put a dent in the Maidens’ lead. As soon as they’d get a 4-0 jam courtesy of Bloody Cupcake, Candy Acid would get owned by Maiden blocking in the following Jam, leading to an 8-0 burst of (Rejected) Seoul Power that would wipe out the Shevils’ gains. Finally, the Maidens put it out of reach for good by completely shutting down Andicent Proposal in the thick of the pack. While Andi was flustered and jostled around by pink jerseys, the Maidens’ Frank Hurt’r cooly zipped through pass after pass to tack on 14 points and effectively seal the doom of the red, white, and blue (especially impressive as the Maidens had two blockers sent to the box during the jam). From then on, it was academic, and not even a Skittle power jam in the last seconds was enough to ignite a rally. In the end, it really came down to one jam in each half—the Shevils let the Maidens catch them for one big jam in each half but were unable to similarly capitalize on Maiden mistakes. Penalties so often determine the outcome of so many bouts, but the Maidens played a smart game that didn’t fall apart the few times the numbers game favored their opponents, and it paid off with their first win since 2010.


(Photos by Moosie)

Bout 2: Crazy 8s 101, Rushin’ Rollettes 74


So, it would be mildly understating things to refer to last year’s championship bout as merely a slaughter. The Crazy 8s in 2011 used bruising, dominant pack control, blocking and penalty killing to steamroll their way to an 80-point victory over the three-time champ Rollettes. But while the 8s only added two new skaters in 2012, blockers Johnnie Blockran and Claptrap, while losing cagey veterans like the hard-hitting Kat Scratch Fever, the Rollettes sprinkled in new skaters Ida Stroyder, Whitness Protection, Mini Menace, and former ref Jackie Sparrow. Would the new blood be enough to close the gap? Well, by about 50 points. Unfortunately I have just been informed by my high school math teacher Mr. White that 50 is less than 80.


(Photos by Moosie)

The 8s wasted no time letting the fans at the Cell know that they intend to attack 2012 with the same game plan that worked last year, using combinations of brutally punishing blockers like Servin’ Justice, Pound Anya, and Fidela Castrate to effectively shut down the Rollette jammers, forcing the camo-clad T-Lo to pass her jammer star to Strykher in the very first jam! The theme carried through the first few jams until, after a suffocating 14-0 jam where the 8s’ EmFatale (last year’s rookie scoring record-setter with 121 points) lapped Strykher twice, opening up a 30-6 lead that was never relinquished. Even when the Rollettes got a power jam in their favor (like in jam 9 where HighD Voltage took advantage of a Zo-Tay track cut to shut out the 8s 9-0), the ninjas generally kept the damage to a minimum, killing clock while adding points here and there, leading to a 55-37 8s halftime lead.


(Photos by Moosie)

The 8s came out swinging for the knockout blow as the second half opened, gaining lead jammer status in the first five jams thanks to a steady rotation of Zo-Tay, Scooter, EmFatale and Wipeout Scout. The Rollettes were held to one lonesome Rhoda Ruin point as their grave was dug halfway to China and all the way to a 78-38 deficit. Irish Vixin gave the Rollettes one last gasp of life when EmFatale lost her lead jammer status due to a major track cut, allowing the Vixen to pick up a quick 10 points and make things interesting again. Alas, Scooter slammed the door shut by following Vixen’s 10-point jam with a 15-point, three-grand-slam explosion while Rollette jammer Strykher was once again smothered by black and yellow bodies in the pack. Eventually, the Rollettes simply ran out of chances. Scooter was sent to the sin bin thanks to another major track cut in the bout’s final jam, allowing HighD Voltage to rack up a 10-point power jam and cut the lead to 101-74, but the jam ended with the period clock under 30 seconds. With no timeouts remaining, the Rollettes could only watch the clock run out as the 8s celebrated a century-mark-breaking season-opening victory.


(Photos by Moosie)

Next Month! The 1-0 Crazy 8s will try to keep their Juggernaut rolling against the 0-1 Shevil Knevils, the only team that was able to take the ninjas down in 2011! Meanwhile, the now-undefeated Maiden Milwaukee will endeavor to keep their reversal of 2011’s fortune, well, reversed, as they take on the 0-1 Rushin’ Rollettes! Could the Rollettes fall to their first 0-2 record in their history? If that happens, we’ll definitely know that the apocalypse is upon us! (Juggernaut? Apocalypse? All these obscure X-Men villain references have me feeling rather Sinister…)

— Dr. Awkward

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