1/8/11 Bout Recap by DrAwkward


What’s up, Brewcity Nation? I’m DrAwkward, one half of the Bruisers’ crack announcer team, and I’ve been tasked with providing bout recaps for the Bruiser Blog that are as hard-hitting as the bouts themselves. Since I’m pretty sure it’s not possible to hit harder than a Brewcity Bruiser, I’m going to settle for almost as hard-hitting. Hope that does the trick.

Last season, the BCB moved downtown to the big time, taking up residence in the US Cellular Arena for a dramatic championship bout. We announcers thought that the league had Made It once the title was decided at the Cell, but now that the league is playing a full season downtown, we know the Bruisers are really big time. No, not because of the new digs—because the Beerleaders have a t-shirt gun! That’s right—this is a real sporting event now, y’all. So why don’t we get to the action?

Bout 1: Crazy 8s 94, Maiden Milwaukee 79

The big storyline of the opening bout was the retooled Crazy 8s roster; not only did last year’s cellar-dwellers add seven rookies, but former Rushin’ Rollettes Pound Anya and Fidela Castrate jumped ship to the ninjas after four seasons of socialist dominance.

The 8s pack liberally mixed the brawn of vets like Servin’ Justice, The Other White Meat and the ex-Rollettes with rookies like Wipeout Scout and Bexit Wound, and had lots of early success opening lanes for their jammers, paced by second-year skater Sin N’ Innocence, whose 39 points lead the team. She and her fellow sophomores Zotay and Latina Heat opened an early 19-7 lead over a Maiden jammer rotation that mixed stars Rejected Seoul and Super Hera with new faces Frank Hurt’r and Crosshair.

Some penalty trouble sent 8s jammer Sharkira to the box late in the first half, allowing Seoul and the Romaniac to secure the bout’s first two grand slams and give the Maidens their first lead at 24-22, but it didn’t last long as the powerjam opportunities swung back in the 8s’ favor. After 14- and 15-point jams from Kat Scratch Fever and Sin N’ Innocence, the ninjas went into the locker room at the half with a 51-31 advantage.

The Maidens played their hearts out in the second half, occasionally chipping away at the 8s’ lead thanks to solid hits from blocker Betty Clobber and an early 9-0 jam from Super Hera that pulled the pink and black within 15. But by the time Latina Heat and Rejected Seoul were lining up for the final jam, the 8s had built up a 94-58 lead. Still, stranger things have happened, and when Heat was sent to the box, the door was opened for a late Maiden powerjam rally.


Seven grand slams is a bit of a tall order for one two-minute jam, but Seoul gave it her all, bringing the crowd to their feet with a 21-point flurry that kept the final score respectable (Seoul finished with a team-leading 41 points, the first nine of which launched her past former Crazy 8 Cookie Ciano into the all-time league scoring lead). But it wasn’t enough to keep the ninja’s losing streak going, and thus, the Crazy 8s start 2011 undefeated with a 94-79 victory over the Maidens.

Bout 2: Rushin’ Rollettes 54, Shevil Knevils 50

This intense rematch of the 2010 championship featured an eye-popping (and bottle-tipping) eight lead changes (pro tip: whenever you hear the announcers say “lead change,” drink!), 6 of which happened in the second half. Things didn’t seem headed for a nail-biter early on, as HighD Voltage and rookie T-Lo opened an early 13-1 advantage. But a three-grand-slam powerjam from rookie Spazzle Dazzle delivered the first 15 of her 25 points and the first lead change at 16-13.


Both teams’ star jammers from last year were stymied for long stretches in this defensive slobberknocker; the Rollettes frustrated Skittle and held her to 6 points all game, while last year’s league-leading scorer, Rollettes captain Rhoda Ruin, matched the rainbow with 6 of her own (Shevils blocker Becky the Butcher kept Rhoda pinned in the back of the pack for the majority of one notable jam, leaving Rhoda no choice but to grin in exasperation).

The Red Scare lead 21-19 at the half, but Skittle took the back period’s opening jam 4-0, and the back-and-forth was on. As the clock ran down, the Shevils opened up a commanding (by this bout’s standards) eight-point lead, 50-42.


It was time for the Rollettes to play chip-away, hit-it-and-quit-it derby, picking up three from Carrie A. Hacksaw and four from HighD Voltage to make it 50-49 heading into the final minute. Hacksaw faced off against Skittle and easily snatched lead jammer status. But just as she was about to enter the pack on her scoring pass, Shevil blocker Thunder Bunnie thumped Hacksaw hard, sending her crashing to the floor and forcing her to call it off, saving the game for the Shevils…for the moment.

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The premature end to that jam gave the Rollettes time for one last try, as HighD Voltage took the track against Spazzle Dazzle. This time, the cagey vet  took it to the rookie, as HighD grabbed lead jammer status just as the period clock ran out, and proceeded to lap Spazzle on her way to a game-clinching grand slam. A jubilant HighD called it off as the Rollettes claimed a last-second 54-50 win.

NEXT MONTH: Just how far have the Crazy 8s come since last year’s 0-5 finish? The now 1-0 ninjas will get to use the champs as their measuring stick as they contend with the Rushin’ Rollettes. Meanwhile,  the Shevil Knevils and Maiden Milwaukee will face off and work to avoid a discouraging 0-2 start. It all happens in a rare matinee double-header at 3 PM on Sunday, February 20!

*All photos courtesy of McMoosie

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